


Stitch me up

by Ledgea



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Funny gore?, Humor, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Mild Gore, Stitches, Zombie Aiden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29699394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ledgea/pseuds/Ledgea
Summary: Eskel doesn't know what to make of Aiden. The fact that Lambert has a witcher friend is already astonishing in and of itself, but on top of that the man is a Cat, which is scarily exciting, and he's also what Lambert calls a zombie, which is interestingly fascinating.Aiden is a zombie, Lambert is in love, Eskel and Geralt are weirded out and Vesemir is a creep.And then they have to stitch Aiden's limbs back to his body.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher), Eskel & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Lambert & Vesemir
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	Stitch me up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BetaRay_Bill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BetaRay_Bill/gifts).



> Beware of heavy crack!!!
> 
> Thanks to BetaRay_Bill without whom this fic would have never seen the light.  
> I don't know if that is a good thing or not :D  
> I'll let you be the judge of that !
> 
> Enjoy !

Eskel doesn't know what to make of Aiden. The fact that Lambert has a witcher friend is already astonishing in and of itself, but on top of that the man is a Cat, which is scarily exciting, and he's also what Lambert calls a _zombie_ , which is interestingly fascinating.

Eskel has been able to ascertain that the man doesn't have a heartbeat, doesn't breathe and doesn't even have a blood flow anymore. He's not a wraith though and certainly not getting transparent with time as Geralt makes sure to check that daily by throwing a spoon at him at breakfast.

He's also not a vampire, Eskel has been designated to make sure of that one and he dutifully bares his neck for Aiden once a day. He has never been bitten once since Lambert brought his friend to Kaer Morhen a month ago. He had researched some more obscure ways of identifying a vampire, just to be thorough, but forcing a garlic clove into his mouth had only resulted in Lambert shoving the garlic down Eskel's throat in return. Geralt had refused to kiss him for the rest of the day and Eskel had willed Lambert to burst into flames with his mind, unfortunately to no avail.

Vesemir had pushed Aiden into one of the pits still full of bones that run along the keep's walls and had then assured them that he's not a necrophage. They still dump some rotten meat in front of him once a week, but he hasn't yet taken one bite out of it. For that matter, he hasn't eaten or drunk anything since he arrived.

If Lambert is to be believed, the Cat is a zombie, which means that Aiden is dead, but refused to pass on and just got back up on his feet and got on with his non-life. When Eskel had wondered what was keeping Aiden tethered to this world – just _in case_ – Lambert had blushed, mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “ _my idiotic self”_ and had run away to save the Cat from Vesemir's insistent poking. Refusing to die to keep an eye on Lambert is a selfless act worthy of praise as far as Eskel is concerned, so he has stopped stalking Aiden and abandoned his research about a zombie's weaknesses.

He and Geralt still corner Lambert for a thorough explanation on his second week home and they learn some astonishing facts. Apparently Aiden can't exert any bodily functions anymore, he can't eat, can't pee, can't get his hair to grow and can't get his cock up. Eskel winces in sympathy at the news, he can't imagine himself unable to eat and, even worse, to use his prick anymore and he knows that, were it to happen to Geralt, he probably would get stuck with an unfortunate hairstyle.

“But how does it work ?” Eskel asks him, “Why him ? What did you do ? He's the first zombie I see so there has to be something you two did.”

“Did you get a sorceress involved ?” Geralt wonders, “Or a djinn ?”

“If I ever find a djinn, I'll ask for Aiden's life back, you moron,” Lambert growls and flicks Geralt's forehead, “As far as we know, we didn't do anything special.”

“That's not how these things work,” Eskel hisses, “Did you take him to a necromancer ?”

“I'm not that stupid,” Lambert hisses back, “I told you, I found his dead body abandoned in a ditch on the side of the road, I got down to my knees, started to fucking cry on his lifeless corpse and he just sat up and kissed me.”

Geralt gags at his side and Eskel has to make an effort not to grimace in disgust. Kissing a corpse sounds disgusting, even if you happen to love that corpse.

“I took him to a healer, who told me that this could happen sometimes if the dead person had a strong enough incentive to keep going.”

“That's not how it works,” Eskel splutters, “How did that healer know that ?”

“Don't know,” Lambert shrugs, “But I got the feeling that he wasn't completely alive either.”

“And you didn't bother to investigate further ?”, Geralt asks.

“What's his name ?”, Eskel adds at the same time, again _just in case_.

“Igor and no,” Lambert growls, “He patched Aiden up and gave him a new hand, _free of charge_ , I wasn't going to bother him. That hand may not be as great as Aiden’s old one but it’s miles better than no hand at all !”

“Lambert !” Geralt loudly exclaims.

“Geralt !” Lambert parrots and Eskel rolls his eyes.

“I could go take a look at the man in spring,” Eskel offers.

“What ? No ! I told you, he was nice to us, gave us pointers and advice, I'm not going to thank him by sending my asshole of a brother to question him.”

“I'm not an asshole.”

“You threw a gallon of blood at Aiden's face the other day !”

“It was to check if he was a vampire !”

“I fucking told you that he's not !”

“He could have lied to you ! Or enthralled you !”

“Enthralled ?” Lambert bellows, “Even if he were a vampire, he wouldn't...”

“Fine, stop it you two,” Geralt intervenes, “That's enough.”

They all glare at each other in silence until Geralt clears his throat.

“Advice ?” he asks carefully.

“Yeah,” Lambert grunts, “Things we should be mindful of. Like not making Aiden drink or eat, because he can't process food anymore, so he would only end up with a bloated stomach for his trouble.”

Eskel gags. This zombie thing seems more and more disgusting by the minute.

“He can take a bath, but he can't linger in the water and needs to wipe himself off thoroughly lest his body rots.”

“By the gods,” Geralt whispers and turns green.

“And we need to be careful with his bones too, they won't heal on their own anymore. Same for his limbs, he can lose them if he's not careful and someone will need to stitch them back to his body.”

“Is that why he's covered in crude stitchings from head to toe ?”

“Don't be mean,” Lambert rebukes him, “Igor and I did the best we could. But yeah, his attackers did a number on his body and he's lost several body parts since we left the healer already. We'll probably need to visit Igor again in spring, just to make sure that Aiden's fine.”

“He's not fine, Lambert,” Eskel feels obligated to point out, “Aiden's dead.”

“Wouldn't it be a kindness to grant him mercy ?” Geralt asks carefully.

“Mercy ? You want me to kill him ?”

“Fuck, Lambert, you can't tell me that he's content with his life.”

“He hasn't complained once,” Lambert spits in their faces, “And I'm not sending him away. He's a zombie because he cares for me, couldn't bear to leave me, I would be showing my appreciation for his dedication poorly if I set him on fucking fire on top of everything !”

Eskel understands Lambert, he really does, he wouldn't want to have to set Geralt on fire either, but he doesn't know if he'd be able to watch his lover fall into pieces right in front of his eyes. He's ready to keep arguing with Lambert when they're interrupted by Aiden, hopping in on one foot.

“Lambert,” Aiden whines.

“Aiden !”

Lambert gets up, runs up to him and helps him sit down on a chair. Aiden is missing his left foot. There's no blood flowing from the wood, only the sight of cut off bones and already darkening skin, and it's more unsettling than an actual wound would be.

“What happened ?”, Lambert frets and takes his shirt off to wrap Aiden's ankle with it.

“Vesemir took off with my foot again,” Aiden pouts.

“VESEMIR !”, Lambert yells and runs off, probably to try to wrestle Aiden's foot away from him.

Aiden doesn't seem bothered by the loss of his foot and he just looks on fondly at Lambert's back as he leaves in a rage. If Eskel were in Lambert's shoes, he'd probably be annoyed too, moreso because it's already the third time in barely two weeks that he has had to fight Vesemir to get a piece of Aiden back.

Eskel doesn't know what the old Wolf is doing with the pieces of Aiden he collects, or rather tries to collect, but Vesemir has developed a new found craving for experimentation lately and the zombie case seems to have piqued his interest quite badly.

“Doesn't it hurt ?”, Geralt wonders and nods at Aiden's missing foot.

“Not really,” Aiden answers and shrugs, “I still have feelings in my limbs, but it's kind of muted. So no great pleasure and no great pain for me unless you have the patience to really work my body over.”

Going by the dreamy expression on Aiden's face, he's not thinking about torture at the moment. Eskel shudders and wonders if he can erase the last few minutes from his brain, he doesn't need to know that his baby brother is getting frisky with a _zombie_. And now he's left wondering if Aiden ever lost a body part during sex, or whatever passes as sex for zombies. Would he take offense if he asked ?

“Hey, Aiden...,” Eskel mumbles while he blushes fiercely.

“Aiden !” Lambert interrupts him, which is probably for the best all things considered.

The Cat completely ignores Eskel and immediately turns to Lambert. He beams at him and Lambert proudly presents his foot to him.

“From what I understood, Vesemir wanted to give it to earthworms this time.”

Eskel and Geralt turn green, but Aiden just rolls his eyes and Eskel wonders why he isn't more upset by that disturbing fact.

“Thanks for saving it,” Aiden smiles, “Igor would have really been disappointed in us if we got back to him with my foot full of holes.”

“Your flippancy is creepy,” Lambert comments.

“You learn to relativize things when you're a zombie. But I still hope that you avenged me.”

“I crammed earthworms into Vesemir's ears.”

“Oh. You're the best !”, Aiden smiles at Lambert and holds out his ankle.

Lambert kneels, takes a thread and a needle out of his pockets and starts to stitch the foot back into its rightful place. Eskel catches Geralt's eye and a nod is enough for them to decide to leave Lambert and Aiden to their weird behaviour. Surely they don't need to witness the stitching of the foot and they get up and leave in silence.

“Geralt,” he hears Vesemir bellow from a few corridors away as soon as they step into the hallway, “Can you get me a pair of tweezers ?”

“By Melitele,” Eskel grimaces, “What did we do to deserve all of this ?”

“It probably is Destiny's fault,” Geralt answers and shrugs.

“Geralt ?”, Vesemir yells again, “It's rather urgent I'm afraid.”

“Do you think that we could act as if we didn't hear him ?”, Eskel wonders, because as far as he's concerned Vesemir sort of deserves what is happening to him.

“Geralt !”

“Great, I'm going to hide in the stables,” Eskel decrees and squeezes Geralt's shoulder, “You can go fish earthworms out of Vesemir's ears on your own.”

Geralt grimaces and then his face turns an alarming shade of green as they catch a moan coming out of the room they just left.

“Are they ?” Eskel asks, turning green himself, “By the gods, Lambert was just stitching him up.”

“GERALT !” Vesemir hysterically screams one last time as Lambert moans again and Eskel flees, he needs to get out of this mad house.

* * *

Eskel slowly gets used to Aiden's presence at Lambert's side during the next month. He learns not to panic when he accidentally strikes Aiden during training and not to comment on Aiden's otherworldly phlegm when he inadvertently loses a limb.

He doesn't know why Aiden insists on training with them, it would probably be best for his health if he stayed as far away as possible from sharp blades, but he proves himself a tricky opponent and Eskel quite likes the challenge.

They also all learn to keep an eye on Vesemir who is quickly turning into a creep - sadly there's no other word for it - where Aiden is concerned. Eskel's theory to explain the old Wolf fascination towards Aiden is that the existence of zombies is the first thing to truly astonish him in a long time, so much so that he can't control himself when faced with this new mystery.

That doesn't excuse his creepy behaviour and certainly not the fact that he likes to steal Aiden's limbs. The Cat has taken to come to him and Geralt to get them back, since the situation upsets Lambert, and Eskel still shudders at night when he thinks about what they've already witnessed.

Geralt had told him that he had found Vesemir in his workshop licking one of Aiden's fingers and Eskel has had to melt down an ice block in which the old Wolf had, the gods only know why, frozen one of Aiden's ears.

To counter Vesemir's horrible creepiness, he and Geralt usually try to keep Aiden in their line of sight when Lambert leaves the keep to go hunting or fishing, fearing to find the Cat strapped down and cut to pieces in the old Wolf's workshop one of these days. Lambert would probably be more bothered by it than Aiden though. The man's unwavering unflappable attitude is even more eerie than the fact that he's a zombie.

Despite the time they spend together, Aiden's inherent oddness still unsettles Eskel, and he knows that Geralt is weirded out by him too, so they tend to make themselves scarce when Lambert's in the keep. Having to look at Aiden's grey skin and scarred face and body during meals is more than enough time spent in his company.

So when Lambert drags Aiden into the hot springs, while he, Geralt and Vesemir are enjoying a quiet soak, Eskel groans. He actually has to close his eyes to keep the nausea at bay when Aiden starts to undress and his heavily patched up body is revealed. He's covered in stitches from head to toe, his face being the sole spot on his body relatively spared with only one crude stitching running around his nose, and Eskel can easily distinguish Lambert's work from the so called healer's work.

Geralt averts his eyes at his side too and just before Eskel closes his eyes, he spots Vesemir's sickeningly interested face and he wants to throw up.

"Be careful when you walk into the pool," Lambert reminds Aiden.

"I know," Aiden sighs, "Stop coddling me. I know that I'm breakable, no need to remind me of that fact once every hour."

Eskel hears him waddle into the pool and the water sloshes as he presumably takes a seat on the carved bench.

"You can open your eyes, you big babies," Aiden teases him and Geralt, "I'm decent."

Eskel squints his eyes and when his first glance shows him Aiden's body hidden by the hot dark water, he opens them completely and watches as Lambert joins the zombie and affectionately wraps an arm around his waist. They soak in silence for a little while until Lambert becomes fidgety.

"Shut up," Aiden tells him.

"I didn't say anything!" Lambert defends himself.

"Your fucking restlessness speaks for you."

"Aiden. You're going to rot if you don't get out and dry yourself."

"Lambert. You're going to sleep on the floor if you insist on being unbearable."

"You don't use the bed !"

"Then none of us will use it."

"Tyrant," Lambert grumbles and falls silent.

He doesn't stop fidgeting though and Aiden soon gets up and sends a scathing look at Lambert. He slaps Lambert's hand away from his body, heads for the short stairs leading out of the pool and stumbles on the first step. 

Time seems to slow down as Eskel holds his breath. His eyes are trained on Aiden and he's incapable of looking away from the wreck in the making. He's vaguely aware of Lambert jumping up and of Vesemir leaning forward in his seat, but no one is close enough to prevent Aiden's fall.

The Cat falls down silently, a surprised expression stuck on his face, and then breaks into pieces. There's no other word for it. His arms fall off as he tries to catch himself, his head collides with the floor and Eskel sees his nose detach itself from his face with a squelching noise.

"Aiden !", Lambert exclaims as he reaches the zombie and lifts him out of the water.

It becomes immediately clear that Aiden lost his two legs in the fall too and just as Lambert lies his body down on some towels on a dry bench, one of his ears falls down. It's utterly disgusting and Eskel dry heaves over the edge of the pool.

"Lambert," Aiden says, his voice unnaturally steady for someone who just lost so many limbs, "You were right. I lost my toe."

Lambert hysterically laughs at Aiden and kisses his forehead.

"You lost a bit more than a toe."

And then Geralt startles next to him and Eskel watches as his hand disappears under the water and drags a grey leg out of it. Eskel whines and goes back to dry heaving.

"We'll get you patched up in no time, you'll see," he hears Lambert say behind his back and he shudders. He doesn't want to have to help stitch Aiden up.

Lambert ignores his and Geralt's reservations and orders them to collect Aiden's limbs and to fill a basket with them while he gently dries the Cat off. Vesemir then tries to sneak away with a hand and Eskel throws himself at him and leaves the task to comb the pool for the remaining limbs - they're missing a middle finger and a foot - to Geralt.

Eskel makes sure to strangle Vesemir long enough for Geralt to find Aiden's two missing body parts, before he lets the old Wolf go and dumps the stolen hand in the basket. And then Lambert leads them to the kitchen.

He lies a limbless Aiden down on the table and Geralt deposits the basket next to the Cat. Vesemir slinks in behind them, still slightly wheezing and rubbing at a black eye, and takes a seat next to Aiden's head.

"What do you think would happen if we were to stitch your toe in place of your nose?", he asks Aiden.

Eskel whimpers, already weirded out by the image that comes to his mind, but Aiden only hums and seems to be seriously thinking about it. Eskel is out of here and taking his chances with the mountain if they both decide to experiment.

"You know I don't think that it would matter much," Aiden contemplates, "I'm not breathing after all."

"No pain?" Vesemir asks.

"I don't think so. Maybe a limp, because I can't imagine that walking on my nose would be easy."

"Hey! You lazy ass," Lambert addresses Eskel as Aiden keeps debating with Vesemir, "Move your ass over here and help us sort through this mess."

"Do I have to?" Eskel whines.

"Yes. And then you'll help us stitch Aiden back into one piece."

Eskel whimpers, but creeps closer anyway and starts to rummage through the basket. His hand finds something squishy and he yelps as he dumps what looks like Aiden's prick back into the basket.

"Hey, careful with that!" Lambert snaps at him and then fishes the prick out again and waves it at Aiden, "Eskel found your cock, darling."

"Oh, that's nice," Aiden smiles - _fucking smiles_ \- at them, "You should probably use sturdier stitches this time. It does tend to fall off at the most inopportune of times."

"Melitele be merciful," Eskel whispers and runs to the bucket they keep at the ready for the dishes to wash his hands.

"Geralt can sew it back, his stitches are neater than mine," he hears Lambert say behind him and when he looks back, Geralt's face definitely sports a greenish hue.

When he comes back to the table, he's roped back into helping to finish sort through the pile of limbs and then Lambert pushes a needle and a thread into his hands and orders him to put Aiden's right hand back together. The fingers are still twitching and Eskel's skin crawls as he painstakingly attaches them back to the hand.

When he can't take the sight of the shaking grey fingers anymore, he looks up and his eyes quickly find Geralt who's bending over Aiden's body, his fingers sewing the Cat's limp prick back to his crotch. The sight is so disconcerting that he doesn't let his eyes linger for long on Geralt and he hurries to stitch the last finger on Aiden's hand.

“Done,” he says and pushes the hand away.

“Well, keep going,” Lambert orders, “The gods know there's enough work left.”

Eskel sighs, gingerly picks up a foot and starts to stitch one of the two missing toes back into place. He's concentrating on his task, imagining that he's stitching the foot of an alive person, when movement to his left startles him. He yelps, abandons Aiden's foot, scrambles off the bench and lands on his ass as the still cut off hand that he just finished to put back together skitters across the table.

“ _Sweet Melitele save me,_ ” he begs breathlessly.

“Uh. You were right, Vesemir, that works,” Aiden's interested voice breaks through his panic.

“By the gods, can you two assholes stop !”, Eskel rants at Aiden and Vesemir.

They don't listen to him and the hand jumps down from the table and scurries towards him at a truly amazing speed. Eskel crawls backwards until his back hits a wall and then closes his eyes. He doesn't want to be touched by the creepy hand. He doesn't want to be touched by the creepy hand. He doesn't want... The hand stops moving and doesn't touch him.

When Eskel opens his eyes a few seconds later, the hand is standing still not far from his leg, its forefinger extended and pointing at his thigh. He swallows, blinks and in the meantime the hand moves closer, too fast for him to follow its movements. It goes on for a minute, until the hand is literally standing a hairbreadth away from his right side, his forefinger still extended.

“You're a baby,” Lambert grumbles as he bends down, scoops the hand up and tickles it, “It's just a hand.”

Aiden chuckles on the table and Eskel shudders and releases the deep breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding for so long.

“It's a _cut off hand_ _moving on its own_ ,” Eskel urgently points out and flails his arms.

“It's not moving on its own,” Aiden answers, mirth clear in his voice, “I'm steering it.”

“ _Then steer it away from me_!”

“Lambert, your brother is no fun.”

“I know,” Lambert fucking agrees with his psychopath of a zombie partner and shakes his head at Eskel, “One would think that you never saw a cut off hand.”

“Not one which crawls on its own like a fucking spider !”

“Oh, struck a nerve here,” Lambert smirks as he heads back to the table, “Is Eskel afraid of spiders, Geralt ?”

Geralt, _bless him_ , denies the accusation and keeps stitching Aiden. Eskel decides that he's done for today and stays seated next to the wall.

“Geralt ?” Lambert asks again, “Why are you stitching Aiden's nose in place of his ear ?”

“Uh. That's his nose ?” Geralt asks, “Aiden has a weird nose.”

“Geralt ! And you ! Why didn't you say anything ?”

“I don't actually have eyes on my ears, Lambert,” Aiden softly apologizes.

“And I get an experiment for free, I wasn't going to tell him to stop,” Vesemir says, sounding not in the least sorry.

“ _Will you fucking stop stitching his nose ?_ ” Lambert yells at Geralt.

Eskel has the misfortune to look over as Lambert hits an uncooperative Geralt with Aiden's leg. He hears the sad crunch the leg makes as it connects with Geralt's head and sees its lower part break off and go flying. It lands a few meters away from Eskel and _twitches_.

“I saw that,” Aiden comments, “And I'm judging you.”

“Look at what you did !” Lambert shrilly exclaims, “You broke Aiden !”

“I didn't do anything,” Geralt splutters, “He broke himself !”

Lambert and Geralt's argument deteriorates into a shouting match and Vesemir takes the opportunity to leave Aiden's side. He crouches next to Aiden's lower leg and takes to poke it with his finger. The leg jerks like a dying fish and Vesemir runs one of his fingers on the visible bone.

“Someone is tickling me,” Aiden comments, “Who's tickling me ?”

Eskel clears his throat and Vesemir meets his eyes. He doesn't stop stroking the bone though and even dips his finger into the soft tissue surrounding it and Eskel gags.

“Lambert,” Aiden calls him again, “Your mentor is being creepy again.”

The Cat's sentence breaks through the argument and Lambert abandons Geralt to throw himself at Vesemir. Eskel then slowly gets up, gets an eyeful of Geralt ripping out the last stitches connecting Aiden's nose to the side of his head and this time he retches into the bucket holding the greenery destined to be given to the goats.

When he straightens back up again, Geralt is bent over Aiden's face, sewing his nose back into place and Lambert is fighting Vesemir next to Aiden's twitching lower leg. And suddenly the cut off hand scurries past Eskel again and he runs away, bravery be damned. He never asked to meet a zombie, never wanted to stitch limbs back on a still talking body and certainly didn't ask to be bullied by a cut off hand.

He closes the door behind him, ignores the concerning sounds coming from the kitchen and flees when someone, or more accurately something, mockingly knocks on the door. He runs up all the way to his room, locks and barricades the door behind him and vows not to set a foot out of his bedroom for the rest of the winter. And in spring he'll kidnap Geralt and run down the mountain until Lambert and Aiden won't be able to find them anymore and he'll do his best to forget this nightmare of a winter ever happened.


End file.
